


Parting Gifts

by navaan



Category: Doctor Who (2005), Torchwood
Genre: Angry Sex, Angst, Children of Earth Compliant, Community: wintercompanion, Episode: s04e16 The Waters of Mars, Episode: s04e18 The End of Time (2), Explicit Sexual Content, Grief, M/M, Post-Children of Earth (Season 3), Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-30
Updated: 2010-03-30
Packaged: 2017-10-13 00:58:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/131053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/navaan/pseuds/navaan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack, post COE, tracks down and confronts the Doctor about why he didn't come to save the day. The Doctor, immediately post WOM, is in a really bad place mentally to be having this conversation. Jack wants to vent his anger, but the Doctor is in a dangerous mood.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Parting Gifts

**Author's Note:**

> This was intended as a mirror fic to my story Make me Feel Alive which is set post-WOM, pre-COE. I wanted to explore how different it would be if Jack was in another state of mind. Thank you to knm1234 for beta reading. I made some changes after she read it, so all mistakes that are left are still mine. Written for the [info]wintercompanion 2010 Doctor/Jack Fest.

"Where the hell have you been?" Jack cried, anger taking him over.

The Doctor just looked at him, neither blinking nor moving, his mouth a thin line. He was not so much disapproving as indifferent; his only reaction to the outburst was to look Jack up and down quickly. Jack stared at him furiously.

It had been no coincidence that Jack had run into the Doctor. He’d been aimlessly roaming the planet for weeks now, hoping to find a reason to stay, hoping to find the Doctor. The feeling of guilt was with him every day and wherever he went. At the moment his immortality felt like a curse, one that had led to the Hub's destruction and nearly killed his friends. A curse that made him live after sentencing a child to death in front of the crying mother's eyes.

He had been travelling ever since, but couldn't find any solace. It couldn't be helped. He had been responsible, there was no denying that. He may not have been in any commanding position when the 456 arrived to take children for the first time, but he could have refused to get involved. Maybe he could have made a stand. Instead, as a freelance Torchwood agent, he had taken his orders like the ruthless time agent he had once been. But it had been worse than that. The time agent had always known what he did was cruel, egoistical or greedy; Jack Harkness had been convincing himself, with some success, that he was a better man than that, that the children had been sent away to an unknown fate because there was no other way.

Maybe there hadn't been. But today he believed it should have been their duty to at least try to look for other options. Where had the Doctor been then? Where had he been when Ianto and Steven died? He was a time traveller, dammit! He should have been there. He could have been there.

Instead Jack had stumbled over the Time Lord whilst wandering aimlessly in the middle of nowhere. The Time Lord who had abandoned Earth when it had needed him most, when Jack had needed him most. Who had abandoned him again.

“Now you come? Where have you been? Where were you, when this planet needed you?” _When I needed you?_

When the brown eyes met his, a chill ran down his spine. There was nothing there, no reaction to his words, no acknowledgement. The Doctor still hadn't moved. He was staring, but Jack had the impression he wasn't really seeing him – and that hurt even more than any snarky retort the Time Lord could have given. After all, Jack had tried to turn from villain to hero for this man, this impossible, enticing, neglectful, wonderful man.

“Gwen made a recording, when everything looked lost. She asked why you didn't always come to help us, if it was because we repelled you with our petty human cruelty and stupidity. She asked why the man who had rescued earth from Daleks wouldn’t come to protect our children after all the things she had heard about you. I tried to call you! Why didn't you answer?” He knew he was screaming.

The Doctor was still leaning against the door of his blue police box casually and motionless, like a statue. Exactly the way Jack had found him and completely unmoved by Jack's words. He felt a surge of rage, violence even, but kept himself in check. This was the Doctor after all. His Doctor. The reason he was trying to be better than all that.

They stared at each other. “What was more important? You have a fucking time machine! You could have been there! Isn't that right?” It came out as accusing as he had intended it to, but the brown eyes didn't give away anything. “Ianto is dead. And even worse, Doctor, I killed my own grandson to stop aliens from taking more children. I killed him in front of my daughter, who had to watch her only child die! I killed him, because nobody was there to help us, to show us another way.” He knew his voice had started to tremble. It was hard to think about Steven. Even harder to think about the boy's mother. It could all have been different, if the Doctor had been there at the right point in time. The Time Lord would have figured out something or other to stop the 456, without killing an innocent child. Like he always did.

"Aren’t you going to say anything?"

“Why? You are not done talking, are you?” the Doctor asked in a dangerous tone.

Jack couldn't muster up an angry retort to that, too shocked at the underlying aggressiveness in his friend’s tone. “No. But I think I have a right to ask why you didn't come to help. You’re the one person in the universe who made me change from a scoundrel to something I was inclined to think of as a good person. But what am I really? I am entirely to blame for sending of orphans to be taken away by an unknown alien race and for years I told myself that it had been for the greater good.” Something flashed through the Time Lord's brown eyes, a warning, but Jack paid it no heed and continued: “But the one who finally reminds me that being a good man means making a stand, dies making a stand for nothing.” The memory of Ianto dying is still fresh in his mind. His lover had reminded him that he had to at least try to make a difference and had died as a consequence.  
He took in a big gulp of air, to muster the strength to tell the next bit. His imagination already conjured up the Doctor's disappointed look. “I told this alien thing that an injury to one was an injury to all – and then I sacrificed my own grandson, to save the planet. It's all my fault, Doctor. It's all my fault and you weren’t there to make it right. I want to know why.” He looked down at his feet, unable to face the disappointment he would see in the brown eyes. But what right did the man have to be disappointed in _him_? At least he had tried. The Time Lord hadn't even shown up.

"What do you want me to do, Jack? Want me to go back and undo it?" The Doctor’s voice was cold and hard and a little edgy. Something dangerous played over his face again, then his eyes narrowed. "Want me to be god?" he spat.

That made Jack’s head snap up and he stared at his friend in utter disbelief. The harsh words made him realize how out of character the Doctor had been behaving from the moment he had stepped up to him. It had never occurred to him to ask the the Time Lord what was wrong before forcing him to face his wrath – wrath which now drained away, giving way to uneasiness and worry.

"What's wrong, Captain? Want me to do it or not? I'm on a roll today", the Doctor hissed in a low, warning tone. "Want me to help you, so you can hate me for doing it later?"

"What happened to you?" Jack felt a chill going down his spine. The Doctor's voice, his posture and expression, made him think of someone who had snapped.

"To me? This isn't about me." The Doctor’s voice was scathing. Something big had happened, something bad, and the Time Lord was probably still dealing with the aftermath. So much like himself, Jack thought. He had always problems believing it, but sometimes the Doctor was painfully human. Although he made people believe he could deal with anything, he sometimes was nothing more than an emotionally damaged person. He should have remembered the war-torn man he had met. Instead he had remembered his saviour. How convenient to put the blame on the Doctor.

"It is now," Jack replied. His own voice was a lot calmer now, but still determined. Something was very wrong here and for once it wasn't him. The emotionless voice of the Doctor had finally made him realize how wrong he had been to come up to this man with stupid accusations. The Doctor must have gone through another painful experience, and here Jack was putting another mountain of blame at his doorstep. It wasn't fair. The danger of seeing the Time Lord as so almighty and wonderful was that sometimes you forgot all about his vulnerability. "What happened? Are you still travelling alone?"

The Doctor stared at him. There was no actual change in his demeanour or expression, but Jack could feel that his question had hit home. For a moment he took the time to give the Time Lord a once over and really take in the way he leaned against the Tardis in his blue pinstriped suit. Jack hadn't seen him wear that one too often. There were no signs of wounds or struggles, but there were dark circles under the man's eyes and an air of strain.

The cold, icy look he received showed clearly that the Doctor knew he was being examined. “Whatever you want to get off your chest, get it over with, Jack. I'm in a hurry.”

Leaning against the police box, he didn't seem to be in a hurry at all, but the cool tone of voice told Jack that the Doctor was not joking. “Can we talk inside?”

“No. Spit it out now. I'm not in the mood for company.” Which answered his question about the Doctor travelling alone. But he shouldn't be alone. He needed company. The Time Lord should never be alone, because he was already the last survivor of his kind.

Jack wasn't deterred. “After all the shit you put me through, don't you think I deserve a little better from you? Or is that your way of saying sorry? I could have been happy gallivanting the universe without ever caring about anyone. You made me what I am now in so many ways and I'm sick of being responsible.” His own voice matched the Doctor's aggressiveness. He didn't really feel the force any more, but he was sure this was the easiest way to get under the Time Lord's skin. “Was your offer of travelling with you the consolation price for everything? If so, I'm going to take it now.”

The brown eyes narrowed, although they didn't turn to his. “Is that what you want? Compensation?” The Doctor sniffed. His voice had lost some of its anger, but was emotionless again. Jack hoped this was a sign of breakthrough.

“I don't want to stay on earth. I've lost everything here. There’s nothing left for me on this small, crowded planet. Get me back to space, Doctor, and we’re even.”

The Doctor finally turned to look at him. Jack knew his words had affected his friend. Still, the emotions were guarded and not plainly visible. He highly expected another argument or at least an immediate refusal of his demand.

"We’re even?"

Jack shrugged. Honestly, he didn't think there was any need to get even. The only thing he had wanted to achieve was to wind the man up – and to get over his own sense of guilt. The thought of Steven was enough to make him feel ill. He was probably turning pale even now.

"All right." The Doctor was giving him a piercing look. "You choose the place and we should be done with this in a few minutes." He turned to open the police box and was gone from sight in the blink of an eye. Jack couldn't do anything but blink for a moment, staring at the open door of the Tardis, who was humming invitingly. Trust the Doctor to never behave as expected, he thought.

With a huff he followed the slim figure into the ship's interior. The Doctor was standing in front of his control panel, busy checking something or other. In the corner Jack saw a discarded space suit with black ugly scorch marks on one side. He would have liked to ask if this had anything to do with the Time Lord's erratic mood. But he isn't ready yet to swallow down his own anger and listen to another story of loss. Whatever had happened, the man had tried to save someone someplace, not bothering to do the same for Jack and his friends. He knew he was being unfair and it made him feel horrible.

It hadn't been fair to want to vent his anger that way. But the Doctor had wronged him, deserted him out of prejudice. He had fought Daleks, Cybermen, Slitheen and god knows what else to protect this little planet, but deserted them when their children were under threat. Jack wasn't sure he was ready to forgive. He wasn't sure if he of all people had any right to blame either. He felt sick again.

"Where do you want to go? Future, past? Want to throw dice?" It wasn't helping Jack that this sentence would under normal circumstances have been a cheery question, but now sounded more like an accusation. _Where do you want to go, Jack? Let's have an adventure! Let's go somewhere no one has ever gone before! Let's seek some trouble!_

Jack tried to shake off the nausea and instead asked what he had meant to ask all along. "You really are travelling alone?"

"Yes." The Doctor's mouth formed a thin line again. This was obviously not a topic open for conversation. Were there any topics left open for conversation? Jack supposed that there weren't any and so he could just as well stay on track.

“You shouldn't be.”

“Why are you leaving earth then? Alone?” he was asked testily.

“Not to _be alone_. That's for sure.” He felt a pang of regret again. “Everyone around me dies, is killed or...” he had to swallow before continuing, “Or has to be sacrificed for the greater good. There’s only Gwen left.”

The Time Lord kept himself still. “You should have learnt by now that an injury to one is an injury to all, Jack. The greater good is not worth it most of the time.” But his face was contemplative, less angry but still very stern. There was doubt on his face as if he didn't trust in his own words anymore.

“I know.” He had a vivid flashback of Ianto dying in his arms. How long would it take to shake these memories? The Captain looked at the man standing at the control panel. It seemed he was checking some readings, but Jack knew he wasn't really doing anything.

“And you want to leave Earth to go through that again? Meeting new people? Surviving them?”

Did he? Jack wasn't sure how to answer that. “At the moment I don't want to. But I'll get over it and start afresh. Maybe when I'm ready I'll come back to earth. Gwen is still alive and she's going to be a mother soon. I’d like to see her again someday. But for now I have to leave all this behind. I have to find a way to live with myself.”

The Doctor nodded, more to himself than to Jack. The human watched his face with rapt attention. Then the Time Lord looked up again, looking him over equally attentively. He rubbed his hand across his jaw, a nervous habit that Jack recognized.

“I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of, Doctor. But it was easier to live with myself _before_ I couldn't die.” Something told him he was starting to get through to the time traveller. The Doctor had turned away from him but had not launched into action again. He was listening.

Jack knew that this was probably the only chance he would get to say what he had to say. “I thought I’d already lost so much that nothing could rattle me more. But this was too much. I have to find a way to deal with it,” he explained, giving his voice an imploring quality. “I'll live on and on, whatever mistakes I make, however many people have died around me.” He took another deep breath. “I'm sorry I came here trying to put the blame on you.” His voice was shaking a little. He could hear the high-pitched sound coming from Steven’s mouth. “It's not your fault. You can't be everywhere saving everyone.”

“And you can't either,” the Doctor answered in a tired tone. The fight had left him and suddenly he looked pale and exhausted, too.

There was a tense moment of silence then the smaller man cleared his throat. “Are you here because you want to die?”

Jack contemplated the question for a moment. He had seen so much death. He had caused death. At the moment he didn't know how to move on. But did he want to die? “No,” he said decisively.

"I finally understand why Time Lords should not get involved. You see." Finally the brown eyes turned to him and there was no mania in them, but a deep sadness. “You said it's always about me, Jack, and maybe it is. Sometimes I do the right thing, sometimes I do nothing and sometimes I think of myself as a god and go too far. I touched your live and see where it got you.”

Jack felt goosebumps prickle his skin as he contemplated all the possible meanings of this statement. The Doctor turned away again and stared at his hands, which were shaking. He set to work again, probably hoping to conceal it.

"Are you all right?" the Captain asked.

"Are _you_ all right?" The Doctor didn't stop working. He had pulled out the sonic screwdriver with one hand but didn't use it.

Jack knew that there was only one honest answer: "No, I’m not. But what about you? You've done a better job hiding your distress in the past. It’s worrying to see such a pathetic performance." He was being rude on purpose now; his own pain making it hard not to lash out.

"You want to see a less pathetic performance? Is that it? You still want me to change what’s happened?" The Doctor sounded weary but his eyes burnt with angry fire. "I told you I could do it,” he said, still sounding very subdued. “But if you make me do it, don't complain to me afterwards." It was a threat. There was no mistaking it.

Jack felt his own temper rise again. "Don't you dare threaten me, Doctor. You keep talking but don’t do anything – I’ve had it with you." He stepped forwards angrily. "What is it with you, now of all times, that you act like a self-centred bastard? I've lost everything and you just act like a fucking idiot!" Jack could feel the anger driving through him, not knowing or caring if he even believed what he said. "Ianto is dead, Steven is dead, people I didn't even know were driven into suicide. And all because I sent a group of children into what we thought was certain death. All because I just went along with it! And no one was there to stop it!" Jack was screaming at the top of his lungs now.

The Doctor's eyes still simmered dangerously. "That's it then? Didn't you say it was always about me? Is it? Really, Jack? Is this about me?”

“Of course it is! I needed you and you abandoned me! Again!”

“I asked you to come with me and you chose to stay on Earth!” the Doctor raised his own voice to match Jack's shouting. “Don't you tell me this is about me, Jack. This is about you seeking a way to justify your own actions. Well, tough. Sometimes there is no justification. Live with it. We all have to deal with our mistakes.”

Before he could even blink, Jack stepped up to him and grabbed his arm; the Doctor wrestled himself free. “I have to live till the end of the fucking universe! I _have_ no other choice than to live with it, you arrogant prick!”

Something hit Jack's chest hard and he stumbled back. “Oh, I feel very sorry for you, Jack,” the Doctor said sarcastically. “We all have to die and you get to live.” Jack’s chest ached from the violent push the Doctor had given him, but when he looked up, he could see the suit-clad body trembling. The Doctor was wiping at his eyes furiously. Was he crying? For a moment Jack wasn't sure, then the alien turned to him again, red faced, but not crying.

“Why did your colleague think that I find humanity repellent?” The Doctor's voice was calm now. There was a certain roughness to it, as if he was really about to cry, and the thought terrified Jack to the core. The usual way the man had always dealt with distress was running, not crying. He did not want to think of his normally superior friend crying at all. Only... he had _seen_ him cry – although watching him crying over the body of their tormentor had never been one of his fondest memories.

“Is that what I make it look like?” the Doctor continued in a small voice, “That I think myself a god, who turns a blind eye when he is disgusted with his creation? Do you think that’s how I think of humanity?”

Jack was surprised that out of all his accusations, it was Gwen’s words that had made the greatest impact. For a moment he didn't know what to say, then he formulated carefully: “I don't think that’s what she meant really. She was appalled and frightened by what humanity was capable of. She said she understood why once in a while you would turn away from this planet in shame. And I think for the most part, she was talking about her own feelings more than she was talking about you.” He wanted to make it clear that Gwen had not blamed the Doctor. The blaming part had been Jack, and Jack alone. He thought about it, about Gwen saving the children, because he had asked her to protect Ianto's niece and nephew. He had asked this of her then gone on to kill his own grandson.

The Doctor gave a deep sigh. “Are you sure? Don't you think like that, too? Why else would you roam the planet just to shout all these accusations at me the minute we meet?”

There was a deep, uneasy silence between them. Because the Doctor was right, to some extent at least. Jack had held the Doctor in high esteem and made his team believe he could do anything. And, yes, Jack had to admit that he had forgotten in his rage that the Time Lord wasn't almighty, wasn't perfect and was often cruel or neglectful because he didn't know how to deal with something. His own death and resurrection on the Gamestation should have been an unforgettable reminder.

“Maybe you humans have seen it all along. It was just me deluding myself, was it?” The wistful voice made the words a lot more scary.

Jack frowned at the Doctor, who was still avoiding to meet his gaze. “What are you talking about? What did you mean when you said all of you die? Have you lost someone recently?” _Again?_

The Doctor looked up, contemplating. Then he nodded. “You could say that.”

“Who was it? Someone important?”

The Doctor just nodded and looked away again. “Yeah. Very important.” Jack was sure he wouldn't say any more, but then he added: “I lost myself, Jack. I lost control. I'm going crazy.”

That made no sense at all. “What happened?” His beautiful, wonderful Doctor could not be going crazy. Surely not. He remembered the megalomaniac laughter of the Master and could only just keep himself from visibly shuddering. This man right in front of him was upset and lashing out in pain, but he wasn't crazy.

“I attempted to change a fixed point in time.” He looked at Jack. Time agents were told all about fixed points. It wasn't so easy for humans to figure out what was actually fixed – there was no way of seeing or feeling it – but there had always been horror stories about it, even at the Academy. Time Lords had featured in many of them as the protectors of time. What could have happened to make the Doctor do something like this? Suddenly all the little comments of being ‘on a roll’ made complete and horrifying sense.

Jack’s face must have mirrored his feelings for a brief moment, because the Doctor gave him a far-away look and nodded. “It was a stupid thing to do. As wrong as an immortal human.” Jack flinched.

“And for a brief moment it looked as if I had succeeded.” The Doctor gave a laugh that was somewhere between crazy and choked. It sounded so painful, Jack just wanted it to stop. When it eventually did, it was with a restrained sob that made it all the worse.

“Rules made by Time Lords. I'm the last damned Time Lord. The rules should have been mine to bend.” Another sob, a little louder this time. “I told her too much, I suppose. And she was right. It was an awful thing to do,” the Doctor continued. “She killed herself to preserve her grandchild's destiny.” He looked at Jack, a single tear rolling down his cheek. “I _made_ her kill herself. She should have had a hero's death on Mars. Instead she killed herself because of me. I'm a curse, Jack. I'm cursed.”

He took a deep breath, making a visible effort to get himself together again. Jack was thankful: he wasn't sure how he would deal with the Doctor breaking down in front of him. The Doctor sniffed. “We all make mistakes, Jack. We all lose once in a while and we all want to undo the bad things we’ve done. Get over it, Jack. Move on.”

Jack snorted. “Are you telling me to run?”

The Doctor's gave him and angry, piercing look. “I'm telling you to live with yourself! There’s no other option anyway.” The words were nice enough, but the tone was resentful.

“Let's not fight, all right?” Jack gave a sigh and pinched the back of his nose with his fingers. “Let's stop fighting. We've been fighting since I found you – and yes, I know I provoked it. Can we just stop now?”

The Doctor was still standing near the console, leaning against it for support. He was shaking a little, but Jack couldn't tell if it was suppressed rage or emotional trauma. “All right.”

They stared uncomfortably at each other until Jack moved to lean against the console beside the Doctor. He gave a deep sigh then there was another of these uncomfortable silences before Jack, keeping his voice as neutral as possible, asked: “Who had to kill herself?”

“Adelaide Brooke.”

“ _The_ Adelaide Brooke? You said Mars.” She would have died on Mars? He only knew about the mysterious circumstances of her suicide... Oh.

“Yeah.” The Doctor was looking at his hands again, flexing them and watching his fingers curl and uncurl. He sighed and rubbed his ear. “It was a stupid idea to get involved. I wanted to leave as soon as I had figured out where I was. But then I couldn't, then I got curious and when I was about to leave, I didn't want them to die.” The Doctor's shoulders sagged and he hid his face in his hands. “What did I think I was doing there?”

Jack tried to imagine what went through his head and found that it was probably not too far from his own regrets. “You’d gotten to know them and didn't want them to die. That doesn't sound so horrible to me,” he said softly. He wanted the Doctor to look at him but he didn't move. “See, I killed my own grandson to stop aliens from taking more children. That's horrible. I killed one child to save many others. You tried to save everyone although it was impossible.”

His friend looked up with a jolt to stare at him incredulously. “I don't deny that what happened here on Earth was horrible. But surely there was no other way? It's normal psychological behaviour to feel like you do now. It was your responsibility, you made the decision and you’ll regret it forever. But you'll get over it and go on,” the Doctor said firmly. “I know you will.”

“Doesn't the same go for you?” At the moment he couldn't imagine a future where he had gotten over killing Steven or losing Ianto. Not yet.

“Jack,” the Doctor said imploringly, “You don't _understand_. It's not your fault. No one can understand this.”

Jack was used to being unintentionally insulted by the Doctor for being a human. “Time Lord thing?” he asked.

The Doctor gave a snort then sighed heavily. “Yeah, yeah. Time Lord thing.” He made a waving gesture with one of his hands as if that explained everything. “Although I suppose, not in the way you think.”

Jack tried to get a good look at his friend's face and was only a little surprised when brown eyes met his a little nervously. “In which way then?”

“Let's just say, I've been there, done that. I've lived through your experiences. I still blame myself but I wouldn't have acted any other way.” His brown eyes were a little darker.

“You’re talking about the way you ended the war?” Jack and Martha were probably the only two people the Doctor had told a little about his home and its destruction. “You destroyed your own people to protect the universe from the Daleks.”

The Doctor grimaced. “I protected the universe from war and destruction. My family and every other Time Lord are dead. Let's leave it at that.” He looked as pale as Jack felt. “I survived and carried on.” He stared at Jack's chest and continued gravely: “This is different, Jack. This is so very different.”

Jack wanted to take all the Doctor’s worries away from him. What was his loss against the loss of your entire race? At least he had seen humanity survive to the end of the universe. He would never be all alone, even if he felt isolated and like a monster.

“Why?”

The Doctor swallowed visibly then looked away, contemplating, nervous and suddenly very vulnerable. Jack had forgotten how very young the ancient Time Lord could seem. He had been so angry that he had even forgotten to really look at him and see that this was still the beautiful, stubborn, impossible man who would always hold a place in his heart. The silence had gone on for so long that Jack didn't expect an answer to his question was coming. Then he noticed the man was staring at his hands again and they were shaking. He reached out to grasp them in his own. It was a worrying testament to the Doctor’s state of mind that he did not even for a second try to free himself from Jack's grip.

“I did something unforgivable,” the Doctor repeated. “I made myself believe it was my right to do so, that as the last Time Lord the rules were mine to make.” Looking at their joined hands, he smiled sadly. “I may have done it because I wanted to help, but then the power got to me. I wanted to beat time itself because I had the power to do it. I wasn't any better than the Master. No better than any of them,” he trailed off. “Hubris, Jack”, he started to sound a little scared. “It can only lead to one end, can’t it?”

Jack felt uneasy. “If a Time Lord dealing with time is so wrong, then what about me, a human cheating death?” The Doctor's hands had stopped shaking, but then he was far from okay. In his own eyes he had committed the ultimate crime.

“You made a mistake,” Jack told him. “Now you have to take your own advice and leave it behind.”

The brown eyes were filled with a deep sadness. “Maybe you're right,” the Doctor conceded. He sounded less than convinced.

“You’re shell shocked, that's all. You attempted the impossible and failed. You'll live.”

The Doctor nodded, but his expression was troubled. “Yeah, you’re probably right, Jack,” he said. The reassuring words were contradicted by the uneasy tone they were spoken in. To Jack's surprise, the Doctor turned towards him, leaning forward to hide his face in Jack's chest. “You’re probably right,” he said again his voice breaking.

The Doctor was no longer shaking or sobbing, but Jack could feel the silent tears soaking his shirt. After all that had happened between them in the past hours, this had been the most unlikely outcome. He let go of the Doctor’s hands and pulled him towards him into a comfortable embrace. This he could give him, after he had made the already hurt Doctor the target of his pent-up aggression. Now he knew what had happened it wasn't hard to figure out that the Doctor had come straight from the disaster without time to come to terms with anything. And there was no one here on the Tardis to help him as he was travelling the endlessness of space and time on his own.

“You've been alone for too long, Doctor,” Jack whispered, brushing a kiss against the top of the bent head. “You’re grieving for the lives you couldn't save, but it will get better, you’ll see.” He could feel the answering nod against his chest.

“What about you?” the Doctor whispered, “How long have you been alone?”

Jack’s chest constricted and a tear fell down his own cheek. “Too long.” The Doctor's lanky arms came around his body and they clung to each other in silence, mourning the dead and the missed chances to make a difference. It was good, finally, to not grieve alone – not _be_ alone. Jack let himself sink down to the floor and pulled the Doctor with him.

After a while his friend freed himself from the tight embrace, although he was reluctant to let him go. He pulled back so they could look at each other, and Jack was thankful for it. He could feel the wetness on his own face as he watched his friend blink away a tear, brown eyes rimmed in red. Then the Time Lord’s hand came up to Jack’s face, long fingers trailing the path of his tears. He seemed fascinated. Jack reached up to catch the hand in his own and turned his face only a little to press a soft kiss to the palm.

The Doctor stared at him unblinkingly, not questioning but watching oh so very intently, as he went on to kiss the wrist, the fingers. A delicious shudder went through the lithe body. The eyes never left his own and suddenly the Doctor leaned forward to capture his lips in a rough, demanding kiss. Jack let the captured hand go and snaked his own arms back around the beautiful body. For Jack this was like a dream come true, although the circumstances were anything but.

The Doctor pulled away first although he didn't seem to be out of breath. He sat inside Jack's embrace, touching his own lips in an unconsciously sexy gesture, then gave Jack a contemplating glance.

“Is this a good idea?”

“You’re asking _me_ if sex is a good idea?” Jack couldn't keep a hint of lewdness out of his altogether tired voice.

“I'm not talking about sex, Jack, I'm talking about making things complicated when we're both not... not...” He was searching for the right word. It was a rare sight to have the Doctor of all people so slow with words.

“There’s always been attraction. We're both adults. We're not exactly strangers. Would it be so wrong to give each other one night of comfort?” Jack's eyes softened. “You worry too much, Doc. Don't think. Relax.” He pulled the Doctor towards him again and was pleased when the other leaned against his shoulder, snuggling closer without protest. Even closed-off Time Lords needed to be touched once in a while. Jack was only too happy to oblige.

For a moment they only sat there on the hard Tardis floor. He wasn't overly shocked when he found the Doctor snuggling up to his side without making any further move to kiss him. It was enough for Jack to know that he was getting some comfort out of this simplest of affections. The man in his arms looked uneasy and relaxed at the same time. He also seemed to be completely disregarding Jack's earlier words, because his face looked like is usually did when he was thinking hard. It should have bothered Jack more than it did, that his would-be-lover was this inattentive. But it was the Doctor and this was just like him. The Captain smiled and waited. The Doctor curled up like a kitten and rested his head on his chest. He was nibbling on his thumb, caught up in his own thought processes.

It was so incredibly sexy, Jack wanted to kiss him senseless.

When the Doctor looked up, his eyes held a deep sadness. He caught Jack's gaze and gave him another searching look. He hadn't yet come to a conclusion, it seemed. "Will you remember this?" Jack grew pale, the question was too close to what Ianto had asked him with dying breath and he felt too choked to answer. It was his turn to look at the Doctor questioningly. "I mean," the Doctor continued haltingly, "will you remember me like this? What we've done and..." He stopped, looking away.

Did the man really think he would turn into an unrecognisable lunatic? Did he plan on never coming back? Or did he just need the reassurance that this was something special, not something Jack was doing to forget his troubles? He banned all thought of dead lovers. "How could anybody ever forget you?" Jack asked back with a husky voice. "You don't have to sleep with me for that." He tried to look earnest and reassuring. The Doctor never reacted well to feeling caged and Jack didn't want him to think he had to do this.

The Doctor leaned forward and initiated their second kiss. It was a lot more tentative then the first, but Jack thought it best to let the normally distant man take the lead. And he seemed to be as desperate for human (alien?) contact as Jack himself. He let himself fall back and pulled the Time Lord along with him. After the strain of argument and days of aimless wandering, just cuddling up to another living being was bliss. And cuddling with the one person who had seemed unattainable for ages – literally – was just too good to be true.

When the brown orbs opened again, they were filled with lust. Jack had never seen the Doctor look this wanton and didn't protest when he started undressing himself, the blue jacket falling to the floor first. Then the agile hands started to pull the shirt out of his pants and open one button after another.

Jack was surprised and turned on by this display of unexpected forwardness. The slow, deliberate way the Doctor set about getting rid of his own clothes was like a playful striptease. It wasn't at all what he had expected. He started to push himself out of his army coat, his eyes never leaving the Doctor's body.

When he unsnapped his braces, the Doctor was there, shirt open and bare-chested, to press himself up against Jack again and steal another kiss. "I didn't know you could be this unrestrained," Jack whispered into the Doctor's ear. The Doctor shuddered a little at the near contact and Jack couldn't resist blowing another breath against the sensitive ear. The Doctor answered with a deep intake of breath.

He shivered when Jack touched his chest but let himself be stroked. Then he pushed the hand away to start undressing the human. A hand easily undid the buckle of his belt and pulled it away, discarding it on the floor. The Captain gave a moan when the Doctor reached for his pants and, with one swift motion, got them open and down to his knees.

The Doctor watched him with passion and something unreadable in his gorgeous eyes. Then he licked his lips and Jack couldn't do anything but topple him, kissing him, touching, tugging at the Doctor's pants insistently. They parted and the Time Lord, now halfway out of his pinstriped trousers, used his superior strength to turn them around. Jack was now laying spread out beneath him, the Doctor sitting in his lap and looking a little flushed. He pushed his hips up, eliciting a soft moan from his lover, whose eyes fell shut.

Jack gripped the Doctor's skinny hips to hold their bodies together, skin to oh-so-sensitive skin. The Time Lord let his head fall back and moaned quietly. It was a strange and beautiful sound. Jack couldn't think, he just groaned when the Doctor started to move. He lost himself in the delicious feeling of their bodies touching. The Doctor peered down at him, a strange light in his eyes, something very alive and feral. That look nearly made him beg to be ravaged. But when Jack tried to get a closer look, focus through the haze of pleasure, it was gone and the Doctor was pushing himself up a little.

“Doctor,” Jack whispered reverently. The Time Lord’s eyes didn't leave his for a second. Long fingers wrapped around his shaft, positioning himself. “Oh god,” Jack gasped, drunken with desire. He propped himself up, to be nearer, to get closer, to not miss a moment of this. The Doctor sank down on him, his eyes closed in tense concentration. Jack was inexplicably delighted to notice a glimmer of sweat on the lovely furrowed brow. He was even more pleased when he rolled his hips and the Doctor gave a surprised yelp. Jack gripped hard and instead pushed up again. The Doctor started to writhe helplessly, completely lost in pleasure.

“Jack,” he moaned pitifully, goading him on. “I... this...”

The Captain couldn't bear it any more. He sat up far enough to reach out and pull his lover into a searing kiss. They lost themselves in the passion. Touching, stroking, kissing wherever they could reach. Another guttural sound escaped the Doctor, somewhere between laughter and sobbing. Jack could feel the climax building up but didn't want this to end. The man in his lap was mumbling words Jack couldn't grasp, couldn't understand, but that to him sounded more and more like a chant. He knew he couldn't hold out much longer. The Doctor was tensing up, arching his back, clutching at Jack frantically. Exquisite pleasure washed away all thoughts, all pain. For a moment there was only bliss.

It ended far too soon. But pain and memories had no chance to flood right back.

The Doctor curled up beside him, nibbling on his throat. Jack pulled him closer and they kissed again slowly. “That was incredible,” he told the Doctor, who hid his face against his side but not said a word.

“Doctor?” The body beside him was shaking. He tried to move and get a look at that handsome face again, but for a short moment the Doctor resisted him. When he looked up, it was as Jack had feared: there were tears, and not only a few. Jack hesitated, not sure how to react, then opened his arms in invitation. The Doctor nearly threw himself at him.

He cried without making any sound. When he had calmed down enough to speak again, he whispered: “I'm sorry.”

“Shh...” Jack hushed him, “You don't regret...?”

“No.” There wasn't the slightest bit of hesitation in the answer. That was good, Jack supposed.

They stayed silent for a moment and the Doctor reached for his pants awkwardly. Jack couldn't remember when they had gotten the man's sneakers out of the way but he could see them lying on the floor. The Doctor pushed him back down with one hand and Jack was still too overwhelmed to protest. To his further bewilderment, the Doctor snuggled down beside him again – right there on the hard and cold Tardis floor. His head came to rest on Jack's still shirt-clad chest.  
“You have to leave soon,” the Doctor said softly.

“Sometimes I don't understand you at all,” Jack sighed in reply. “Why do you push everyone away, when you can't stand being alone?”

The Doctor moved closer and tried to look at him without actually getting up. “We established already that I'm not like the rest of _us_.” His eyes held a message, but Jack had no idea how to decipher it. “It's easier to say goodbye now, Jack. Believe me. We both can't afford to stay together. Not now. Maybe someday.” It sounded downbeat. As if he expected there would be no ‘someday’ for them. “Just not now. I can't take anybody with me now. There’s a lot I still want to do and I know I have to do it now.”

He didn't sound unfriendly or eager to make Jack leave. “ _Still_ want to do? Before what?” _Before you try to be god again? Before you go crazy?_

“Before we meet again.”

Jack chuckled. “That sounds very romantic. But you have a time machine. You can meet me whenever you want to. And you rarely do.”

The Doctor gave him a sorrowful smile that wasn't so much apologetic as tinged with a restrained expression of distress. Jack couldn't place that expression at all, but figured the Doctor was still too preoccupied with his inner turmoil to be with anyone. He could understand that. It was what had made him leave Cardiff in the first place.

“So this was my parting gift? We have sex and that's it?” The Doctor's brow furrowed again cutely and Jack gave him a quick peck for it.

“No. No, parting gift yet. Like I said, there are a lot of things I still want to do and it's time to start doing them. Consider this a start.”

“What? Sex on the Tardis floor was an item on your to-do-list?”

The Doctor slapped his arm playfully. “No, not sex on the floor. Sex with you, you moron. I've had sex on the floor!”

Jack couldn't really get his head around that information. “But you... you've never...” He couldn't believe the Doctor had ever been interested. He had been flirty enough on many occasions but always in an aloof way that had made it clear to Jack that he was all right with treating it as friendly banter but wouldn't allow any real closeness.

The Doctor gave another deep sigh. “I was never ready. There were always so many things making it complicated. But now... it's now or never. There’s no running away forever, not anymore.”

“This experience on Mars really rattled you,” Jack realised.

The Time Lord just shrugged, snuggling up closer and closing his eyes. “You should really get dressed. I'll let you off in Cardiff.”

“In Cardiff? I thought I’d made it clear I wanted to leave the planet.”

“You should say goodbye to Gwen. Leave no loose ends. You know that, right? Otherwise you would have left Earth on your own right away.”

Jack thought about it and nodded. As so often happened, the Doctor was right. He bent down to kiss him and neither of them was in a hurry to get dressed again.

  
Jack sat at the bar of the sleazy establishment. Aliens of all kinds buzzed around him, but he didn't feel connected. Ever since he had said goodbye to Gwen and left the planet he had called his home for so long he had felt out of his depth. He hadn't decided yet what to do.

And still he was thinking about the Doctor kissing him goodbye before ushering him out of the Tardis. The Time Lord had been more in control by then, had been back to his normal self for the most part. But whenever he had thought Jack wouldn't notice, there was an uneasy expression, an expression of near-distress marring his handsome features. Jack hadn't said anything about it, just hugged his friend, giving and taking comfort from every embrace he was allowed.

“Until next time”, he'd said, when he had stepped out into the Cardiff night air, so laden with memory that Jack had been too distracted to pay much attention to the Doctor, who had been in a hurry to leave.

“Yeah, Captain. I promise we'll meet again.” And that promise, he supposed, had been the Doctor’s parting gift. He dreamed at night of the Doctor and him together. The dreams were holding most of his nightmares away now, but left him unsatisfied and sad.

It had taken days of analysing the words they had hurled at each other to realize that under the Doctor's many layers of emotion had been an underlying fear. It made Jack angry at himself for not having noticed. The man at the bar slid him a piece of paper and he stared at it dumbly. He didn't know anyone on the planet.

“From the man over there,” the barman clarified.

The Doctor was standing alone, just watching, not moving. There was an air of finality to it that made Jack swallow uneasily. “Hubris, Jack” the Doctor had had said, “can only lead to one end, can’t it?” The meaning became clear to him only now. He gave the Doctor a heartfelt salute across the bar. The Doctor smiled slightly, touched his fingers to his forehead and gave a nod towards the paper.

Whatever was in there would be the true parting gift. He knew that this was the Doctor tying up loose ends before he died and, by the looks of it, never come to meet him again. He pulled himself together and opened the note.


End file.
